"In that, the two of you are the same." There was more than just that that made the two of them similar but Steve didn't want to think too much on that subject. His Peggy had lived a long life, had done great things and had a family. No matter how much he might hope, they weren't the same person and it was unfair of him to try to see how they were the same. But, fair or not, it was difficult not to want to see some trace of the past that he'd thought was nearly lost.
His lips twitched as he fought back a smile when she laughed at his assessment of being considered an agent. "Everyone underestimating me was always one of our advantages when we worked together. A woman and a scrawny kid that looked like the wind could knock over were never thought of as a danger until it was too late." Even when Steve had been with the Commandos, most of the enemy soldiers - and some from their own side - hadn't believed he was a threat. "Everyone used to wonder why a lady like that would be with someone like me." His smile turned wistful, eyes unfocused for a moment as memory caught up with him. There were so many things that he missed while he spent every day pretending that it didn't bother him that he'd lost everything except Bucky.
"No, Peggy... it wasn't your fault." Catching her hand, he gave her a pleading look. Even during his worst moments, when he raged over what had been lost and struggled with memories of the war, Steve hadn't blamed her or Howard for not finding them. "Don't ever believe that it was your fault. The plane was lost in the ice. It took decades for there to be technology that could find it. You and Howard did everything you could. Even if it'd been found back then, I don't know if they could've drilled through the ice to find us... him."
Gently brushing his thumb over her knuckles, he hoped that she would believe that. It was no one's fault except his own. He'd wanted to protect the world and that meant putting the plane down in the most remote spot possible. "If I'd - he'd - been found sooner, they might not have had the ability to bring him out of the..." That was something he shied away from. The ice still gave him nightmares, still ached in his bones when he thought about it. "Whatever state we were in down there.
"It's probably best that no one recreated it. They might have gotten another Schmidt." He couldn't help thinking of Bruce. "I know they kept trying but the results... Bucky and I were the lucky ones." Even if it wasn't his fault, Steve still felt guilty for all the people who had been hurt by the attempts to replicate the serum. His miracle had destroyed too many lives.
"I can't say what he'd think of all that, but my Peggy had to do the same thing and I was relieved when she told me that she protected the world - protected me - that way. You did the right thing. They would've done terrible things with my blood. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad it was you because you understood what would happen and what I would've wanted."
It hurt to put that into words even though he knew she needed to hear it. His throat ached as he forced back grief that felt as sharp as it had looked around a busy New York street that seemed like something out of a nightmare and realize he'd lost everything. "I wanted to go home when the war was over. I wanted to go home with you beside me and you gave me that. Thank you."
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His lips twitched as he fought back a smile when she laughed at his assessment of being considered an agent. "Everyone underestimating me was always one of our advantages when we worked together. A woman and a scrawny kid that looked like the wind could knock over were never thought of as a danger until it was too late." Even when Steve had been with the Commandos, most of the enemy soldiers - and some from their own side - hadn't believed he was a threat. "Everyone used to wonder why a lady like that would be with someone like me." His smile turned wistful, eyes unfocused for a moment as memory caught up with him. There were so many things that he missed while he spent every day pretending that it didn't bother him that he'd lost everything except Bucky.
"No, Peggy... it wasn't your fault." Catching her hand, he gave her a pleading look. Even during his worst moments, when he raged over what had been lost and struggled with memories of the war, Steve hadn't blamed her or Howard for not finding them. "Don't ever believe that it was your fault. The plane was lost in the ice. It took decades for there to be technology that could find it. You and Howard did everything you could. Even if it'd been found back then, I don't know if they could've drilled through the ice to find us... him."
Gently brushing his thumb over her knuckles, he hoped that she would believe that. It was no one's fault except his own. He'd wanted to protect the world and that meant putting the plane down in the most remote spot possible. "If I'd - he'd - been found sooner, they might not have had the ability to bring him out of the..." That was something he shied away from. The ice still gave him nightmares, still ached in his bones when he thought about it. "Whatever state we were in down there.
"It's probably best that no one recreated it. They might have gotten another Schmidt." He couldn't help thinking of Bruce. "I know they kept trying but the results... Bucky and I were the lucky ones." Even if it wasn't his fault, Steve still felt guilty for all the people who had been hurt by the attempts to replicate the serum. His miracle had destroyed too many lives.
"I can't say what he'd think of all that, but my Peggy had to do the same thing and I was relieved when she told me that she protected the world - protected me - that way. You did the right thing. They would've done terrible things with my blood. I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad it was you because you understood what would happen and what I would've wanted."
It hurt to put that into words even though he knew she needed to hear it. His throat ached as he forced back grief that felt as sharp as it had looked around a busy New York street that seemed like something out of a nightmare and realize he'd lost everything. "I wanted to go home when the war was over. I wanted to go home with you beside me and you gave me that. Thank you."